On the Upkeep of Marriage

The idea of applying corporate practices to the home is not new. You can do housekeeping in a professional way, by applying professional concepts to carry out the house chores. After all, the cooking, cleaning, organizing, and scheduling involved in housework are professional work in other settings. But the other day, I realized that honing the teamwork between husband and wife can also be examined and treated with a professional lens.

Enter this interview by The School of Greatness author Lewis Howes with psychotherapist Esther Perel, whose expertise is on human relationships. What struck me most from this short clip is not the attention-grabbing headline of “how to have three marriages,” but what follows:

“Some of us are going to do it with the same person. I have had probably three marriages… to the same man. Not because we divorced or anything, but because over 30 years, we have had to redefine ourselves. To restructure.”

‘Restructuring’ marriage

If companies reorganize themselves every five years, then the husband and wife can also benefit from examining what works for them and their home on a regular basis. This is because many things can change over the course of time: the coming of children, the increase (or decrease) of work demands, finances, extended family dynamics, you name it.

As a team, the husband and wife can sit down and talk about how they are, so that they can understand what each one wants, what each one finds difficult. And they can also talk about how they want to approach problems together, so that when something comes up, they are both on the same page.

Because the husband and wife are two people together, there are some important things to consider between them: first, who each person is and how husband and wife can develop themselves fully within the marriage; second, how to approach parenting and childrearing together; third, what they envision the (near and far) future to be. Marriage is a life project to work on constantly.

Celebrate milestones

On top of the constant upkeep of the relationship, it’s good to celebrate milestones as well! The same way companies celebrate foundation days, couples can celebrate milestones. One friend I interviewed before for Baby Magazine emphasized that he and his wife celebrate two anniversaries: the wedding anniversary and the “foundation day” or the day they became a couple.

How to celebrate milestones? It depends on the preferences of the couple on how they love to spend time together. It could be dinner out and gifts, which is the usual. It could be a trip out of town. Perhaps it could also be celebrated in a gathering of the entire family. And maybe, for a major milestone, a renewal of vows—to remind the couple that marriage is “between” three: the husband, the wife, and God.

Last year, I was happy to see in the news the story of a Filipino celebrity couple renewing their vows in the same church after ten years of marriage. The wife walked down the aisle in a much simpler gown than on her wedding day; the church was empty but for the couple, the children, the priests, and perhaps a minimum of the photographers and coordinators. It didn’t have the flashy coverage that their wedding had; no famous guests or fancy decorations to take the attention away from the purpose and meaning of the event. Only a few photos were shared to the public. It was refreshing to see!

Visioning

Speaking of weddings and renewal events, planning such milestones can be one concrete way to get the couple to sit down and reassess themselves—sometimes people need an actual event to nudge them to taking action. After all, the first project between the husband and wife happens to be the wedding they organized together. But it isn’t necessary to have to spend on something so fancy. The important thing is to get together and envision together.

And then after that, why not take the next step and work on family visioning? This one involves all the children so that each member can communicate their ideas and opinions. Together, everyone can work to make the a home life they want want to keep returning to. In the Philippines, EduChild offers a course on Family Visioning, though I am not sure if one is being offered right now. Other courses for couples are on different stages of parenting, even for grandparents! These may be a good fit for those who want more guidance in their family life. In the meantime, sitting down with the family to communicate is a good thing to do!

"If companies reorganize themselves every five years, then the husband and wife can also benefit from examining what works for them and their home on a regular basis."